The four commandments of resilience

Since departing Clarity — the business I founded and built over the last decade — I’ve been thinking deeply about what I learnt from the experience, and especially the ways I need to grow and develop — both professionally and personally.

I journal almost every day. As part of this practice, I remind myself of these four aphorisms:

1. Memento mori
2. “Life expands and contracts in proportion to one’s courage”
3. Give with no expectation of reciprocation
4. Mood follows action

These maxims provide a psychological foundation and framework that underpins my response to the challenges I face; informs my assessment of the opportunities I encounter; and helps ensure I remain resilient through a period of extreme personal and professional turbulence.

Memento mori

I’ve long been an advocate of the ancient philosophy of Stoicism. There’s so much value and practical applicability in the writings of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus and others.

One of their most important and oft-quoted lessons — memento mori, which translates literally to ‘Remember you must die’ — is an instruction to meditate on the ephemerality of one’s own existence, and of that of the people we love.

On face value this seems morbid and depressing, but I find it life-affirming and energising.

It provides a crystal clear lens through which to make decisions on what I should pay most attention to; what I should be optimise for in life; and who and what I should devote my time and resources to.

“Life expands and contracts in proportion to one’s courage” — Anaïs Nin

This is my all-time favourite quote.

When I refelct on my life so far — and the things I’ve pursued that have given me most energy — they’re generally the consequence of bold decisions that forced me out of my comfort zone.

Starting my first business from my university dorm room (and never having a ‘proper job’ since). Moving as newlyweds to New York with nothing more than a suitcase. Relocating to California to live largely off-grid in a redwood forest. Having four children (!).

These were all non-obvious decisions and that my wife pursued fully in the knowledge that they would be extremely challenging, and came with significant levels of risk.

There are undoubtedly downsides to this approach. Decisions can backfire. Big risks that fail to pay-off can seem reckless and irresponsible in hindsight; can lead to enormous levels of stress; and can exponentially increase one’s chances of experiencing failure.

But from the stress and failures comes growth and regeneration, and experiences that compound into a life rich with meaning and wonder.

I recognise now that I’m driven by fear of regret: I would hate to wake-up one day and reflect on having chosen stasis and comfort, over adventure and growth.

Give with no expectation of reciprocation

It’s cliché but ultimately, when I’m lying on my deathbed, I’m not going to give a single fuck about how many dollars I accumulated.

The only thing that really matters is relationships. That’s the real measure of a life well-lived.

This is widely understood, of course, when it comes to the people closest to you — especially one’s family.

But I try to apply the thinking much more broadly, and consciously nurture and cultivate relationships with as many good people as possible.

In the business context, I do this by trying to be helpful in whatever way I can. To make introductions. To act as a sounding board. To ‘be useful’ (to borrow Arnold Schwartznegger’s edict).

I’d hate to live life with a mental double-entry bookkeeping system of the good deeds I’ve done, and a log of my expectations for what I’ll receive in return. “I did X for him, so he now owes me Y” is an exhausting and limiting mindset.

Instead I choose to give in big ways and in small, and then mentally I write it off. Immediately.

I believe in karma. The more good I put out into the world, the more good will come my way.

(As a side note, I actually think this is one of the main reasons why the Bay Area is as successful as it is: people here understand on a profound level — more than anywhere on earth, in my view — that we’re all connected, that life is a team game, and that a rising tide lifts all boats.)

Mood follows action

This is another framework that finds its roots in Stoicism. And like many of the Stoics’ teachings, it’s incredibly simple and it boils down to a simple and clear instruction: Take action.

Focus on identifying the things you have control or influence over, and take action every single day to effect positive change in these realms.

If like me you’re prone to anxiety and procrastination, the reminder to simply take action and effect change has incredible mental health benefits: it’s empowering, and confidence-boosting.

And, more than this, the beauty of taking action — however small and incremental — is it soon compounds and you start seeing meaningful results.